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Luck: “I try so hard but am usually unlucky.”

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"Serendipity" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Research shows that lucky people are more relaxed and open than unlucky people. You limit your ability to notice people and opportunities around you if you are overly anxious and concerned with doing things just so. Being relaxed, on the other hand, leads to the following essentials for good luck:

1. Awareness and curiosity: Being relaxed and open to new possibilities allows a person to notice and act on chance opportunities.

2. Approachability: Luck often originates from random encounters with other people, and being relaxed makes a person more approachable.

3. Flexibility: While trying too hard, being particular and “perfect” can lead to being inflexible, being relaxed often leads to varied and flexible life experiences. Being open to wide-ranging experiences and knowing diverse people in your life fosters creativity and openness.

There is more to being lucky than being relaxed and open. However, these qualities are key to developing creative, open thinking, which can turn incidental events into serendipitous good-fortune.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “The Luck Factor” by Dr. Richard Wiseman

Read “People are always criticizing me.”

“No, you really should not have a second ice cream. Is that okay honey?”

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"Fine" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

While we don’t need to be severe when we say “no” to our kids, being afraid to disappoint them can cause more harm than good. Ending a sentence with a question mark such as “is that okay, honey?” shows your kids that what matters to you most is that they like you, not that you parent them well.

Not only does your need to be liked give your children power over you, it also makes them feel insecure, because they sense your insecurity. A parent’s inability to set boundaries with ease can lead the children to become tyrants and/or pushovers themselves.

Children need to learn how to be firm and kind at the same time. They learn this by their parents’ example. Simply say in a matter of fact way, “Ice cream is a treat. One is enough.” Finish. No question mark and no hoping that they like your answer.

Ironically, they will like you more if you stop trying to please them, and instead demonstrate how to set boundaries and practice self-discipline in an effortless way.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Sure honey, I’ll buy you those toys.”

Read “Permissive vs. Authoritarian Parenting.”

Sportsmanship:
“That was a terrible call!”

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"Impeccable" -- Freddie Couples by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

“I never thought about losing, but now that it’s happened, the only thing is to do it right.”

~ Muhammad Ali

The most inspirational moment at the National Water Ski Championships last week for me was seeing a top-seeded Men’s Slalom skier display amazing sportsmanship after having his entry gates called on his first pass. Rather than showing anger or complaining, he shrugged it off, knowing he would do better next time.

That’s not to say that he isn’t very competitive and didn’t really want to win the tournament. But once the call was made, he was able to handle himself with integrity, rather than displaying defeat and aggravation — and this at the age of 20!

To me, this young man’s ability to maintain perspective about his performance was at least as impressive as the 180-foot ski jumps and multiple back-flip trick runs exhibited at the site.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

“I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career, lost almost 300 games, missed the game-winning shot 26 times. I’ve failed over and over again in my life. That is why I succeed.”

~ Michael Jordan

Read “Being Chicked.”

“You are mean and abusive!”

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"Perfect Swing" -- Paula Creamer by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

So what I really meant was…

“What you just said was unkind. It makes me feel bad and it won’t help the situation. I’m willing to discuss this later, if we can both bring the best of ourselves to the conversation.”

To have an effective discussion, there has to be BOTH self-respect and respect for the other person. Respect means regarding someone with a sense of esteem, courtesy, and acceptance.

You can have compassion for a person’s bad behavior — it’s usually a result of fear, frustration, and a lack of communication skills. Yet, it’s vital not to accept ongoing abuse. Neither self-respect nor respect for another person means allowing him or her to treat you badly.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Criticism and Contempt.”

Fear: “I hate feeling so much fear. How can I get rid of it?”

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"On the Edge" -- Theo Fleury by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Fear is an emotional response that alerts you to potential danger like a car’s warning light. Without a warning, you could get into a lot of trouble.

On the other hand, if that warning light is as loud as one of those security alarm systems, which screech at you “INTRUDER! INTRUDER!” it will scare the day lights out of you. Being overcome by fear can cause mental paralysis and panic, and it will make it difficult to deal with situations rationally. As a result, the warning grows louder and the fear compounds.

It’s more effective to treat fear as an indicator telling you to be alert and look at your situation with an eye toward short and long-term consequences.

Obviously, if the danger is a life and death matter like a child falling into the road then you must act quickly in defense of the child. But in most cases we can take time to resolve things that we fear.

First, with a pen in hand and the serenity prayer* in mind, be creative and imagine various potential actions you could take. Second, look rationally at your priorities and carefully weigh the pros and cons. Third, figure out and take the appropriate first step.

Once you start creatively listing potential actions and thoughtfully analyzing those choices, you have engaged other parts of your mind. This will help alleviate the panic, as well as help avert or minimize any potential danger.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Catastrophizing.”

* The Serenity Prayer:

“God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace…”