Monthly Archives:

Children who beg and argue:
“I’ve told you sixteen times that you can’t see that R-rated movie!”

Posted on by
Reply

"Angel Roar" — Blue Angels by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Children who repeatedly beg and argue often have parents who respond by begging and arguing back.

While children will respect parents who are flexible in matters that warrant flexibility, you need to be firm when you are sure about a given rule, like not seeing R- rated movies. There’s no need to be mean or threatening when being firm. In fact, you can show a little compassion or give a brief explanation as to your thinking. “Sorry, but no R – rated movies. I believe that level of violence/sexuality/language is inappropriate for you.”

But beware of too much compassion, too much explanation, and never plead, all of which convey a lack of authority on your part. Don’t yell or lose control either, which also show a lack of personal power.

If they continue to badger you, say, “You heard me. I’m not changing my mind. Please don’t ask again.” If they continue, find an appropriate consequence and do not hesitate to use it. “This complaining is excessive. Let’s see a movie another night.”

It can be helpful to remind them that it would be easy for you to let them do whatever they wanted, but that you care too much about them. You want them to develop into independent, self-sufficient, and self-empowered adults who can make appropriate decisions.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Over-mothering: “It’s hard for me to be firm with my child, because he’s very sensitive.””

The Observer: “I like my privacy. I can do without people.”

Posted on by
Reply

"Magnificent Desolation" — Buzz Aldrin
by Mimi Stuart Live the Life you Desire

The Observer/Investigator personality type* likes to live in an isolated, private world to avoid the emotional stress that comes with engaging others. Many have learned to detach themselves from emotional feeling in this way to defend themselves from psychic intrusion or neglect.

Observers find escape by intense involvement in their mental world. Their cerebral skills and competence seem to provide them security through understanding and distance. They can be physically present, yet feel a sense of detachment, watching what’s going on from a distance.

But distance also blocks the ability to deeply feel positive emotions. Thus, Observers often have difficulty feeling love and joy. They also have trouble expressing themselves freely and passionately.

Observers who want to enrich their lives and relationships can make an effort to become aware of their own feelings by trying to pay more attention to them through body work such as dance, massage or yoga, artwork, gestalt therapy or meditation with an emphasis on inner attention rather than detachment.

By delaying the impulse to replace feelings with mental analysis, Observers can learn to accept their feelings with less anxiety.

Observers might also learn to recognize when they feel the urge to withhold or withdraw from others. While it is not safe to open oneself up suddenly or dramatically, Observers can enhance their lives by gradually opening up and reaching out to others.

With patience, the change in the quality of life and relationships can be very rewarding.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

*Reference: “The Enneagram: Understanding Yourself and the Others in Your Life” by Helen Palmer.

Read “Pursuit and Distancing; Intimacy vs. Needing Space.”

Guest Author Sam Vaknin, PhD
“I Can’t Live Without Him/Her.”

Posted on by
Reply

"Intoxication" — Ben Hogan by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Dependence on other people is a kind of addiction and, therefore, fulfills important mental health functions.

First, it is an organizing principle: it serves to explain behaviors and events within a coherent “narrative” (fictional story) or frame of reference (“I acted this way because …”).

Second, it gives meaning to life.

Third, the constant ups and downs satisfy your need for excitement and thrills.

Fourth, and most crucially, your addiction and emotional lability place you at the center of attention and allow you to manipulate people around you to do your bidding.

So, while you can surely survive without your intimate partner, you believe (erroneously) that you cannot go on living without your addiction to him or her. You experience your dependence as a warm and familiar comfort zone. You are addicted to and dependent on your dependence, but you attribute its source to boyfriends, mates, spouses, children, parents – anyone who happens to fit the bill and the plot of your narrative. They come and go – your addiction remains intact; they are interchangeable – your dependence is immutable.

So, what can you do about it?

Extreme cases of codependence (known as Dependent or Borderline Personality Disorders) require professional help. Luckily, most people with dependent traits and behaviors are clustered somewhere in the middle of the spectrum of dependence.

1. Help yourself by realizing that the world never comes to an end when relationships do: it is your dependence which reacts with desperation, not you.

2. Next, analyze your addiction: what are the stories and narratives that underlie it? Do you tend to idealize your intimate partner? If so, can you see him or her in a more realistic light? Are you anxious about being abandoned? Why? Have you been traumatically abandoned in the past, as a child, perhaps?

3. Write down the worst possible scenario: the relationship is over and s/he leaves you. Is your physical survival at stake? Of course not.

4. Make a list of the consequences of the breakup and write next to each one what you can and intend to do about it. Armed with this plan of action, you are bound to feel safer and more confident.

5. Finally, make sure to share your thoughts, fears, and emotions with friends and family. Social support is indispensable. One good friend is worth a hundred therapy sessions.

by Sam Vaknin, PhD, the author of “Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited” and other books about personality disorders.

Read “I want more intimacy and to feel closer to you.”

Platonic Marriage: “Once you’ve had children, romantic intimacy is not so important anymore.”

Posted on by
1

"I'll Have What She's Having" — Meg Ryan
by Mimi Stuart, Live the you Desire

So what I really meant was…

“A long-term passionate marriage is more enjoyable and fulfilling than a platonic one. Our relationship and lives will be richer if we keep the passion and sensuality alive.”

If you’re with someone who doesn’t realize how important romantic intimacy is to sustaining a long-term passionate marriage, it’s vital that you have frank discussions together. Let your partner know that it’s important to you to be in a relationship with someone who desires you and who wants to continue to have a passionate relationship.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Desire: ‘I’ve got needs but she pretends to be asleep.'”

Regret: “I shouldn’t have yelled at my friend.”

Posted on by
1

"Tortured Earth"—Zach Smith by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Pangs of regret poison your ability to learn from mistakes as well as your ability to move on and enjoy life.

Even if you have a legitimate regret, the best approach is to take note of your regret, to learn from your mistake, and then to let it go. Here are three questions to ask yourself when you feel regret:

1. What can I do now to improve the situation? Can I apologize or take some action to mitigate the consequences?

2. How can I reframe the situation to try to get something positive out of it?

3. What can I do in the future to handle a similar situation better ? If I do not learn from this lesson, I am bound to repeat it — to my later regret.

For example, if you regretted having yelled at your friend, consider:

1. Apologizing. Explain what happened. For instance, you may not usually speak up for yourself, but when you do, you tend to do it more harshly than you intended.

2. Recognizing that you were simply trying to stand up for yourself, and need some practice doing it more tactfully.

3. Speaking up earlier in the future and being diplomatic about it, instead of waiting until you’re so fed up that to have to shout.

“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.’”

~Alexander Graham Bell

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Too much Guilt.”