"Future" — Einstein by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
So what I really meant was…
“If you really want it, you can buy it with your own money/allowance. Why don’t you think about it for a couple of days and see if you still want it.”
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “I feel terrible about not being able to buy my kids what all their friends have.”
Walking on Diamonds" Astronaut Eugene Cernan
In the Permanent Collection of the Smithsonian
by Mimi Stuart ©
If you are walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting your partner, that means you are allowing yourself to be controlled by your partner’s reactivity. Of course, it’s nice to be considerate of your partner’s feelings, but not at the expense of your own.
The best relationships are between people who are “differentiated,” that is, able to be emotionally objective and separate, while at the same time being intimate and caring. Differentiation allows intense involvement without becoming infected with your partner’s anxiety, and without one person needing to withdraw or interfere with the partner.
The great psychologist Murray Bowen was the first to discuss differentiation, describing it as “living according to your own values and beliefs in the face of opposition… while also having the ability to change your values, beliefs, and behavior when your well-considered judgment or concern for others dictates it.”
Undifferentiated, or fused, couples tend to modify their behavior out of fear of their partner’s reactions. Eventually they come to feel as though they have lost who they are.
Being true to yourself when you relate to others is what makes a relationship interesting, passionate and sustainable.
So when you feel that you have to walk on eggshells, take a moment to figure out what you feel and believe. Central to differentiation is facing your discomfort with your partner’s anger, cold shoulder, or other reactivity. Learn how to be diplomatic and kind to your partner, while standing firm in being true to yourself.
When you expect a negative reaction, be prepared to accept it. If your partner becomes angry, don’t take it personally. State calmly, “You may not like my position, but this is how I feel/what I think/what I’d like to do.” Leave the room if necessary, but with a faith that you are walking on diamonds, not eggshells.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
"Jungle Noises" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
Catastrophizing can lead to a very fearful, and even depressed state of mind. When any small mishap leads you to imagine a downward spiral of horrible consequences, you are likely to become overwhelmed, panicked, or despondent. And that despondence might become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Extreme self-criticism and pessimism that can cause catastrophizing often lead to depression and the deterioration of relationships.
Yet, the alternative is not a naïvite that ignores the challenges of your reality. It is important to be aware of potential dangers to be able to be prepared for the real world.
We should strive for a balance between fear and hope. That is an informed awareness.
Remember that no one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes and will fail at one time or another. The best thing is to learn from your mistakes, while maintaining your dignity and having faith in yourself.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
"Ostinato" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
While your wife’s preoccupation seems to be all about the acquaintance, it’s probably more about herself. Obsessive preoccupation about a particular person means there’s something worthwhile to look into if she’s willing to be reflective.
Without putting your wife on the defensive, you may want to point out how focused she seems to be on that particular person’s flaws. You could say, “I notice that you talk about ‘so and so’ a lot. I’m curious why he/she interests you so much?”
If she doesn’t know, here are some ideas you might suggest in a diplomatic way. She may be feeling jealous. She may feel rejected by the acquaintance.
She may dislike the acquaintance for highlighting a specific trait that she lacks herself. This would indicate that she may be the other extreme. For example, the acquaintance might be open, gregarious, and free, while your wife is shy, quiet and conservative.
A preoccupation of this kind is sometimes caused by an unconscious yearning to develop the very qualities that a person finds abhorrent in the other person. She simply finds it easier to malign the other person than to try to develop those qualities in moderation herself. While some people embody particular qualities in the extreme — making them appear distasteful — integrating a small dose of any quality gives you more flexibility to respond to, and even embrace, varying circumstances in life.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
"Paya" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
If asked to make a list of the happiest moments in their lives, most people will say that they are the times they spend with friends and family, enjoying the moment, enjoying nature, admiring a work of art, doing something for someone they love or for someone in need. They also enjoy learning, understanding, and moving their body — walking, dancing, or pursuing a sport.
None of these pursuits require money. The feeling of enjoyment that comes from learning, accomplishing something, or bringing joy to others lasts longer than simply purchasing new clothes.
There’s no denying that buying a new outfit or a new car is pleasurable, and it is nothing to be ashamed of. That pleasure, however, loses its luster very quickly. In fact, that’s why many people buy more clothes and stuff than they really need. They have to keep buying more to repeatedly get that quick fix of enjoyment, despite the fact that it fades so quickly.
Instead of focusing on those quick highs from getting something new, focus your energy on the deeper, more meaningful ways to experience happiness, and your longing to seek the short-lived gratification of purchasing more stuff will diminish.
by Alison Poulsen, Phd