"Annika" detail by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
So what I really meant was…
“I’m glad you’re here, I was worried something might have happened to you!”
Listen to the details first. If waiting for the same person becomes a repeated event, then it’s time to stop depending on that person.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
"Amelia" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
Some people who want more “intimacy” really want more validation. They think that intimacy involves one partner who discloses, while the other accepts and validates that person.
In contrast, however, a successful, long-term, passionate relationship is based on self-disclosure without expecting validation from the other person.
Other-validated intimacy
The problem with expecting validation is that we often validate our partner simply to reduce anxiety and to accommodate his or her fears and limitations. While we may tell ourselves we are reducing the anxiety of our partner, often it is really our own anxiety that we cannot tolerate when our partner is under stress.
If a partner’s inner response is “You need to figure this out on your own”…, but he or she chooses to respond out loud by nodding and smiling, the result is a deadening of the soul and a loss of passion within the relationship.
Validating our partner can temporarily improve a partner’s functioning. However, it often creates long-term problems, such as increased codependency. Codependency involves increased vulnerability to the other partner’s manipulation, an expanding obligation to ease our partner’s anxiety, and a tendency toward always presenting oneself in a particular way to get a positive reaction.
Self-validated intimacy
Self-validated intimacy, as opposed to venting, allows your partner to truly see you without imposing an obligation on him or her to validate you. It requires a certain discipline to look at yourself objectively and to accept your partner’s authentic response, whether it’s a lack of interest or disagreement.
While it’s nice to be validated by others, you are more likely to get true validation only when you don’t seek it. When you’re willing to accept a person’s honest response, then you can meet that person on a deeper, truly-intimate level. Ironically, less validation means greater intimacy and the possibility of a long-term passionate relationship.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Recommended: David Schnarch’s “Passionate Marriage.”
Read “My parents were so dysfunctional, I don’t even know what a good relationship looks like.”
"Grace" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
Some people are critical of others, while others are more critical of themselves.
Self-critical people
People who have been severely criticized while growing up often develop an excessively harsh inner critic. They are primed to accept criticism, even when it is given disrespectfully, as they are the first to see their own flaws.
If they criticize themselves for being awkward or unintelligent, for example, they are ready to believe it when other people make those same criticisms. In fact, people’s attitudes toward themselves unconsciously invite others to see them the way they see themselves.
Critical people
Generally, extremely critical people project their feelings of discomfort onto the world around them. On the positive side, they become expert in finding ways to improve things. On the negative side, they become expert at finding flaws in others.
In the beginning couples aren’t polarized into critical and self-critical extremes. The critical partner might simply be sharing insight in an attempt to improve life while the self-critical partner might enjoy being accommodating.
Eventually, however, harsh criticism hinders improvement more than it encourages it, because it creates so much tension and anxiety.
Moderating The Inner Critic
In order to stop putting up with judgmental or destructive behavior from others, we must become aware of and tone down our own inner critic. Ideally we want to moderate an overbearing inner critic so that it becomes more of a cheerleader for us, supporting and encouraging the beauty and strength within.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “What do you mean by that? You’re always attacking me.”
"Courage in the Cockpit" — Dan Lopez by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
It’s very difficult and frightening to lose what you’ve worked so hard for, particularly your home and your job, and the security that they provide.
Yet, what matters most is how we respond to the situation. With courage and a positive attitude and outlook, you are more likely to get back to a situation where you feel comfortable and secure.
I have a hard-working friend who lost his beautiful home, all his money, and even his car. As a result of this financial crisis, he also lost his wife.
Of course he has tremendous regrets about his lost financial security, but his life seems to have changed for the better. With an amazingly positive attitude, he has not dwelled on what could have been.
He’s now renting a home, has few expenses, practically no debt, and can live on a lot less money than before. His lack of stress is clear to everyone who knows him. He feels much lighter than before, and is able to enjoy friends and sports activities without the pressure of carrying such a a heavy burden and having to make a lot of money.
My mother too lost her home, as well as her friends and family members in WWII Germany, but she did not lose her ability to focus on what she did have — the present moment and the choice to learn and work hard, and most of all, to be grateful for what she did have. With that attitude she became an inspiration to others — another benefit to those who maintain a positive outlook.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
"Formula Farley" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
What does the way you drive say about you?
Are you a considerate driver who’ll let another driver cut in if she’s in the wrong lane? Or are you an impatient driver who tails other cars, gets angry, and swears when people cut you off or drive too slowly? Your driving could say something about your own shadow, that is, the part of you that has not been developed.
Two types of people typically feel aggressive behind the wheel. The first is someone who has trouble with simply being, always feeling impatient to get something done. This type feels a lot of pressure to get where he or she is going and to accomplish goals set.
The second is someone who hasn’t developed much personal power. When your self-empowerment lies in the shadow, it erupts in aggressive, inappropriate, or unattractive ways. When you’re in a car, you feel anonymous, and can become more aggressive without being concerned about what someone you know might think.
What can you do if you are one of these kinds of driver?
If you have trouble relaxing when you’re not productive, work on simply relaxing into the moment. Breathe deeply, listen to music, or plan an event. Replace futile thoughts such as “Look at this horrible traffic; I’m so late!” with more productive or calming thoughts, such as, “There’s nothing I can do about this now. I might as well relax/call my sister/mentally reorganize my life-goals. In a year, I won’t even remember being late. So why waste time wallowing in anxiety?”
If you are type that feels powerless in most situations in life, find ways to develop self-empowerment in situations where you are not behind the wheel. Notice when you feel meek and compliant, or when you are repressing your opinions. Try to speak up and integrate personal power in a calm and moderate way. If you develop more personal authority in your everyday face-to-face interaction with people, maybe you won’t feed the inner aggression that is waiting to explode when you get behind the wheel.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD