"Old Crow" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
So what I really meant was…
“I look fine, and what matters more is how I feel, my relationships, my passions, and my work.”
Most people care more if you exude life than if you look young.
“Your wrinkles either show that you’re nasty, cranky, and senile, or that you’re often smiling.”
~Carlos Santana
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
"Anthony's Key" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
The suffering experienced from long-term emotional or physical abuse becomes increasingly more agonizing and life-threatening. There is no excuse for physical abuse or ongoing emotional abuse. It is imperative to remove yourself from a situation of abuse quickly, because it becomes increasingly difficult to leave as one’s self-esteem worsens and one becomes more isolated.
I teach healthy relationship skills at a shelter for abused women, where I see many women who have felt emotionally attached to their partners despite the abuse. Others feel so poorly about themselves that they seem to lose the ability to imagine a different future or to feel worthy of respect and consideration. Many others feel trapped by finances.
Although a women’s shelter is not a vacation spot—it has to have rules and conditions to thrive as well as to foster accountability—it is a safe place to go that allows women to rebuild their lives, their self-esteem, and their sense of peace. It is a place where they can learn how to effectively respond to disrespectful behavior long before it reaches levels of abuse.
Rebuilding your soul requires finding safe shelter. Only by being away from the emotional and physical abuse can one experience the freedom from fear to think about one’s own needs and desires, as well as to gain back self-respect and authority over one’s own life.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
"Freedom" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
It’s admirable that you do not want to hurt him. However, it sounds as though you are suffering and stifling a crucial part of yourself in your current situation. This is bad for your psyche, your health, and your relationship.
Is it good for your partner? NO, even though you dread his reaction.
NOT making a decision is a decision in itself, which may be damaging for both of you.
If you are absolutely clear that you need to break up, the sooner you do so, the more time both of you will have to rebuild your lives. Staying with him without a mutual desire and commitment to enhance your relationship may not be good for either of you.
Remaining in a state of limbo causes him to hold out hope, and prevents both of you from moving on. The ongoing feeling of not being respected is very detrimental to you and the relationship.
Ironically, he may feel hurt if you leave despite his disrespectful behavior toward you. Yet, you will probably hurt him less in the long-run by having clear closure and giving him and yourself freedom.
We all need to balance taking care of ourselves with making others happy. When you ignore what is important for you to the point that you are miserable, you endanger your health and well-being. Your consideration for others is commendable, but you must be able to say “No” and “Enough” when appropriate.
Now is your chance to grow by taking your own needs seriously. If he cares for you he will want you to do what is best for you.
Treat your partner with kindness and compassion. But use your personal authority and be decisive, saying something like, “I need to move out and gain back my soul and sense of independence, which I cannot do while I’m with you. It’s not fair to you to live with someone who is miserable and has neither passion nor vitality with you. I care about you and need you to move on with your life. I have to move on with mine.”
You need to be firm in bringing closure for your sake and his. It is in nobody’s best interest to remain in a relationship that is making one person miserable and stifled.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
"Roar" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
When you take a bite of your partner’s food without asking, you are crossing a boundary. That kind of intimacy may seem romantic, but the underlying assumption of entitlement can kill passion and your relationship.
Often people think that sharing food without asking is a sign of intimacy and a perk of a loving relationship. Actually, the opposite is likely to transpire. If you don’t ask AND wait for your partner’s consent, you are crossing a boundary and showing disrespect.
You might think, “We’re so close that I don’t need to ask—what’s his or hers is mine.” Yet, if there’s not enough separation and respect for a partner’s space, including his or her food, he or she will eventually feel suffocated and show resentment.
It’s these small, hardly noticeable infractions of respect that build up into passive aggressive responses and a desire for freedom and space.
It is a basic instinct to be possessive over food and belongings. One of the first things a child learns to say is, “This is mine. Don’t touch it.”
So when someone reaches across the table to take your food, you will unconsciously have a protective reaction and take offense. The voice of the unconscious will say, “Enemy—get away from my food,” though the conscious mind tries to rationalize, “We’re close, it’s okay.”
If someone asks, “May I have a bite?” then we know the request is limited, and that we still have control over our food, which appeases our inner lion. We do not feel taken for granted and have the opportunity to feel generous by saying, “Yes, try a bite.”
Ironically, respecting others’ boundaries preserves the passion of a relationship, while excessive closeness and possessiveness are the sure way to kill it.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
"Blue Note" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
When a person experiences a tragedy like the loss of a child or partner, that loss will remain at the forefront of his or her mind for a very long time.
People are different in how they’d like to be approached about their loss. However, most people prefer that others acknowledge their loss in some manner—either through direct contact or at least a card.
While eventually the loss will feel less painful, life will never be the same after losing a child or partner. People who have lost a loved one need to grieve. It’s not usually helpful to point out that their pain may diminish. The idea of feeling better can seem like a betrayal of their love for that person.
Nothing you say will eliminate the pain. The most meaningful thing you can do is to reach out and acknowledge that loss and to remember the life of the loved one. You can also ask what you can do to help, such as bringing a meal or going to the store. You can express your compassion by simply being present or giving a hug without a word.
Most importantly, don’t avoid talking about and helping celebrate the loved one’s life. In a way people whom we love stay alive within us. Those who care most won’t turn away, but will keep the memories, love, and person alive, even while life inevitably moves on.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
In memory of Dex Gannon and Michael Young