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Always being right: “That’s not what I said! I said…!”

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"Voice of Gold" Frederica Von Stade by Mimi Stuart
Live the you Desire

When you find yourself insisting on proving that you’re right, it’s time to look at your underlying intent. We often assume that being right will lead to being respected, liked, appreciated, or admired. However, generally the harder a person tries to prove being right, the harder it is for that person to gain respect or appreciation.

Here are a few reasons that could be causing this ironic disconnect:

1. Adamant persistence reveals underlying feelings of inadequacy, which does not inspire respect or admiration.

2. In trying to be right, we disregard other people’s ideas, causing them to feel overlooked.

3. Most importantly, being right generally comes with a condescending tone of voice that turns people off whether the person is right or not.

A superior tone of voice can trigger a defensive reaction in others, even when what’s being said is totally logical and nonthreatening. If you’ve ever found yourself arguing over something ridiculous, you may be reacting to a patronizing tone of voice rather than flawed logic.

One way to encourage others to consider your opinion is to use a friendly or neutral tone of voice. You’ll feel more relaxed and others will feel more open-minded and amenable. You can say, “Your idea won’t work” with a kind tone of voice, and have a better response than if you say, “Your idea is the best idea in the world,” with a superior sounding voice.

If pretending is what it takes to change your attitude and use a respectful tone of voice, it’s probably worth it. Remember that discussions that aren’t focused on one person being right are usually more stimulating and productive, and lead to healthier and happier relationships.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Facial Expressions.”

Black-and-white thinking:
“I used to think she was fantastic. But it was all a façade. She’s really horrible.”

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"Ennobling Struggle" Einstein by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

The flaw behind black-and-white thinking is that it does not reflect the complexity of human nature and the world around us. Most people are not absolutely good or evil. Most events in life have more intricate shades of color than simply black and white.

Black-and–white thinking stems from our reptilian brain, which makes snap decisions as to what’s safe or dangerous in order for us to survive an immediate physical threat. When this ancient part of the brain is triggered, it overrides the reasoning and problem-solving abilities we’ve developed through evolution.

Some people raised to be black-and-white thinkers remain stuck in a world where people and events are viewed in simplistic terms of extremes. Even people who are complex thinkers regress to pigeonholing when they are stressed or overwhelmed by emotions. Unless patterns of fear are counter balanced, they will prevent people from moving beyond this “primitive thinking” to more nuanced and sophisticated thinking.

As a result of viewing the world as black and white, people suffer unnecessary disappointment that can lead to exasperation and depression. For instance, fantasizing about a perfect world with a perfect mate can lead to shattered expectations, and the opposite idea that there aren’t ANY decent men or women at all.

Here are some ways to avoid the pitfalls and heartbreaks of black-and-white thinking:

1. Have realistic expectations: Even though optimism is generally a nice trait, tone down feelings of overblown optimism and expectations about specific people or situations.

2. Sometimes, somewhat: Use words such as “always” and “never” sparingly.

3. Enjoy the complexity: Beware of considering yourself and others as “the best” or “the worst.” The world of absolutes is unrealistic and dull. Find the complexity in any situation or in a person and you may find what’s interesting—and truly beautiful.

4. Look for balance: Look for balance rather than perfection by accepting that humans make mistakes.

5. Be open to mystery: A curious, intelligent, and open mind embraces the known and unknown, the mystery, and the possibility of imagination.

It is not the result of scientific research that ennobles humans and enriches their lives, but the struggle to understand while performing creative and open-minded intellectual work.

~Einstein

by Alison Poulsen, PhD