Monthly Archives:

Tough Guys: “Everyone looks up to my uncle for being tough as nails, but he scares me and doesn’t seem to like me. Am I too sensitive?”

Posted on by
1

"Clobber" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desir
e

People raised to be tough as nails often detest those who show a sensitive side. It triggers the tough individual’s inner critic that was always on high alert to eliminate his or her own sensitivity.

While growing up, if they showed any feelings of sadness, compassion, or fear, they got pummeled with criticism, cruel jokes, and sometimes physical abuse. Showing empathy or sensitivity became perilous. So they learned to repress any such tendencies in themselves.

The ability to experience feelings such as sadness, fear, and helplessness is essential to developing compassion, empathy and deep love for another human being. Someone who has repressed these feelings will have difficulty having empathy for others.

The tough guy’s repressed vulnerabilities, however, haven’t disappeared. They exist in the unconscious where they can wreak havoc. Being conditioned to hide their empathetic and sensitive impulses comes at a huge emotional cost. A tough uncle who scares others through verbal battering causes hurt to the spirit and soul of others as well as himself.

The very thing that makes the REAL tough guy attractive is that he has BOTH courage and a heart. Take a look at many of the characters played by popular actors from John Wayne and Humphrey Bogart to Matt Damon and Denzel Washington. They’re often tough and courageous, but they also feel secure enough to show kindness and compassion to others.

The fear you have felt in the presence of your uncle, has been felt by him thousands of times. He has lived with it on a daily basis. He has numbed himself to avoid the pain.

Sensitivity can be a wonderful and humane quality. Yet, in the presence of someone like your uncle, it’s best to tone down sensitivity so as to avoid triggering his virulence. Tough guys feel most comfortable with people who can match their apparent toughness. Ironically, only when they feel safe from being exposed to feelings, will they possibly let their guard down a bit.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Sarcasm–You can carry it yourself; your arms aren’t broken.”

“I’m bored.”

Posted on by
Reply

"Tranquillo" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

“Boredom flourishes too, when you feel safe. It’s a symptom of security.”

~Eugene Ionesco

Boredom is a sense of suspension in moments that lack purpose, intensity, and activity. Boredom can arise when life is safe and easy and a person lacks challenge and curiosity. People who are driven to experience lively engagement of their minds and bodies may feel uncomfortable when they temporarily lack direction and stimulation.

Someone who’s bored might seek entertainment to avoid self-reflection or to feed self-centeredness, which are two sides of the same coin. Boredom is often caused by an anxiety of having to face quiet and perhaps emptiness—a fear that there will be nothing to feel if one is not active, excited, or busy.

To avoid falling into disconnected limbo, there are many quick fixes. Technological games and connectivity are easy distractions but don’t amount to a deep engagement of the mind and body.

On the other hand, persevering through boredom without seeking distraction can lead to self-awareness and groundedness that can arise out of self-reflection. Creativity can also ensue.

People sometimes say, “If you’re bored, you lack imagination.” Let’s go a step further and say that creative imagination requires the ability to withstand boredom. Creativity—where two unconnected ideas collide creating a new idea—occurs when the brain is relaxed and aware, but not distracted. Texting, computer games, web surfing, and looking in the refrigerator distract, but they don’t allow for free flow movement and the deepening of ideas.

How can we respond to boredom without jumping to a distraction?

1. Sit with the boredom. Mathematician and inventor Pascal wrote, “All man’s troubles come from not knowing how to sit still in one room.”

By avoiding distractions one is able to observe what lies underneath the unease of boredom. Rather than reaching for the phone, the TV remote, or a drink to kill boredom, use the time to sit or take a walk and “be with” yourself.

2. Focus on other people. Helping someone else instantly frees a person from the weariness of boredom. Rather than thinking about how to entertain yourself, think about how you could brighten someone else’s day. Volunteer work, for example, with the intent to help others is gratifying and absorbing. Even just noticing and perhaps smiling at someone while standing in line somewhere can deepen you awareness and make a difference to you and the other person.

3. Work or school. Dale Carnegie once recommended, “Are you bored with life? Then throw yourself into some work you believe in with all your heart, live for it, die for it, and you will find happiness that you had thought could never be yours.”

If boredom is an ongoing theme in your life, it may be helpful to find work or enroll in classes to help you participate in the world in a meaningful way. Many people need external motivation, which school and work provide, to be focused on something other than their own vague yearnings.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Recommended article by Carolyn Johnson: “In Defense of Boredom”

Mild Depression and the Blues: “You should be happy! Look at the bright side!”

Posted on by
2

"Gravitas" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

While optimism tends to attract happier states of mind, we should avoid being judgmental toward those living through darker moods. It’s important to ask if a friend needs help or wants to talk about problems. Yet simply being there can be more beneficial than jumping in quickly to “fix” someone’s mild sadness and gloom.

In addition to being compassionate, we need to be able to give others space to process their own emotional states. There is a place and purpose for melancholy, heartache, and disenchantment.

Psychologist James Hillman claims that the “gravitas” accompanying mild depression may allow us to discover consciousness and the depths of the soul. “It brings refuge, limitation, focus, gravity, weight, and humble powerlessness.”

Rather than giving in to a dark mood or blaming someone else, a person undergoing the blues has an opportunity to listen to what the unconscious is trying to say.

For instance, someone who identifies with being action-oriented may ignore grief and loss. Those neglected feelings may gain energy in the form of a shadow that one day will burst to the surface as emotional outbursts or depression. Mild and temporary depression can be a wake up call to the sleepwalker within us, allowing us to take time to mull over our life’s journey.

If a friend’s melancholy goes on too long or becomes severe, however, it may be time to intensify concern about his or her inability to get out of the depressed state. Dark moods push people away and prolong isolation and solitude, which can perpetuate a cycle that becomes increasingly difficult to break. If depression is leading to atrophy and degeneration, it’s important to encourage the friend to get help or see a health care professional.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “You’re so grumpy. Why don’t you go take a hike!”

“How could he leave me? I did everything for him.” Being needed versus being wanted.

Posted on by
4

"Mo' Air" Jonny Moseley by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

There are usually good intentions of love and helpfulness behind being exceptionally useful. Yet, over-functioning by “doing everything” often stems from an unconscious impulse to increase another person’s dependence on and loyalty to the relationship.

All relationships involve some degree of dependence. For most people it’s quite nice when another person helps out. Yet, as one partner does an extravagant share of the work, the other partner may start feeling engulfed and overwhelmed by the assistance. He or she may feel encumbered with a growing sense of obligation, causing desire to be with the partner to fade.

When people become highly dependent on their partners, a sense of indebtedness bordering on guilt causes passion and intimacy to suffer. While it’s important that partners are considerate and helpful, it’s equally important to avoid letting dependency and indebtedness smother desire.

Those who tend to over-function would improve their relationships by focusing more on their own enjoyment and desires and giving their partner greater breathing room and independence. This means resisting doing everything, even at the risk that some things won’t be executed as well as they like.

As Kahlil Gibran wrote in “The Prophet,”

Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Four problems with helping too much.”

“Was it stupidity or deliberate dishonesty that caused you to hire your incompetent brother without telling me?”

Posted on by
Reply

"Men at Work" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

So what I really meant was…


“I know you want to help your brother, but I’m concerned about our expenses and getting the best quality work we can get. Let’s discuss our needs and financial situation together before making promises to other people.”