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“Your memory is too good!” Forgetting or Directing our Focus?

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"Collecting Moonbeams" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Live Desire

Sixty Minutes recently did a story on people with “autobiographical memory”—those who can remember almost every day of their lives, such as what they had for lunch on April 7th, 1982. Each memory is as vivid as if the event occurred yesterday. For people with such an extraordinary memory, “The past is never dead, it is not even past.”

~William Faulkner

Avoiding remorse

What struck me most was one woman’s comment that this ability motivated her to live every day of her life in such a way that she could live with her memories—memories presumably about the way she treated people and the choices she made. The fact that very little would be forgotten meant that she wanted to minimize regrets and remorse, which would always stay with her.

Is it true that the person with a clear conscience has a poor memory? I don’t think so. Memory seems to have little to do with how a person treats others. With or without a good memory, a person either has or lacks compassion for others. With or without a good memory, a person can benefit from living every day so as to avoid regret and remorse.

Directing our focus

Diane Sawyers asked these gifted people whether it was hard to have relationships with others, as their relatives found it difficult to ever win an argument about facts with them. They didn’t think so. They did stop arguing over facts though. A lesson for everyone might be to stop arguing over facts and get to the underlying reason for the argument.

How about the rest of us, many of whom can’t remember much more than the highlights and the low points of our lives? Is it a blessing to be able to forget?

It depends. As Joyce Appleby put it, “Our sense of worth, of well-being, even our sanity depends upon our remembering. But, alas, our sense of worth, our well-being, our sanity also depend upon our forgetting.”

Rather than clinging to our memories or trying to forget, we can improve life and relationships by directing our focus. By learning from our past experiences, we can concentrate on the positive within ourselves and others. Whether we remember all the detail of our lives or only the drama, it’s up to us to decide what to focus on.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Always being right: “That’s not what I said.”

The Fear of Loss:
“I don’t want to hold myself back anymore.”

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"Rugged Beauty" Squaw Valley by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Until we are willing to accept potential disappointment and heartache, having close relationships can be perilous. A willingness to tolerate loss helps us to embrace the risks and joys of love. In addition to the obvious possibility that the relationship might end or a partner might die, a degree of loss exists even when a relationship endures.

No Change

Ironically, a LACK of change in the partners also results in loss. Predictability and stagnancy cause a loss of vitality and interest in the relationship.

Imagine ten or fifteen years of marriage and raising children, when one partner decides to take up mountain climbing or go back to school for a master’s degree. Fearful of change, the other partner may feel threatened. “What do you need to do that for? It’s expensive and a waste of time,” may be his or her reaction.

Fear of how the partner will handle change might cause the would-be climber or graduate student to avoid trying a new path. As a result of maintaining the status quo, there’s a loss of growth for the individual and richness for the relationship. Resentment and regret replace possibility and dreams.

Change

Change in a partner causes a loss of the comfort and security the partners have become used to. Yet, the upside is that the relationship can develop excitement and richness by means of the individuals’ growth.

If we approach love and friendship with the understanding that there will be loss, we can avoid the regrets and lost vitality that comes from living in the clutches of fear.

Climbing up the rugged mountain of relationship takes courage but it is well worth it. Rather than following the same well-worn path, we might create new paths and find new vistas.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Why do you need to go back to school?”

Guest Author Dr. Jennifer Freed: “Well I’m not having a sexual affair!” The Emotional Affair.

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"Scott Joplin's Great Crush Collision" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Emotional Affairs occur when the primary relationship has become dead or cut off in some way. Often these affairs start up in compensation for some real intimacy at home.

Many big life events trigger these affairs as people feel more needy than usual. A death in the family, children coming or going, turning big marker ages 40, 50, 60, job reentry, school reentry, financial stress, illness etc……… can all be triggers for a change in the primary relationship and an opening for an emotional affair.



SIGNS OF AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR

1- Your friendship has secrets
2- You confide in your friend more than to your spouse
3- You have more excitement to meet/talk with friend than spouse
4- You feel more your self and freer with friend
5- You take better care of yourself before contact with friend
6- You have sexual fantasies about friend
7- You hide the amount of contact you do have from spouse
8- You give your friend special gifts and treats
9- You get into fights with your spouse about your friend
10- You want exclusive time with your friend and you keep your spouse separate from your friend
11- When you think of getting away or taking a day off you think of doing it with your friend and not your spouse
12- You are defensive about your friend’s faults to your spouse and get extra heated about any criticism
13- You are feeling more and more distant from your spouse and don’t want to deal with it
14- You start talking more to your friend about your problems in your relationship
15- You are much kinder and more forgiving with your friend than your spouse
16- You find yourself telling more and more little lies to your partner

If you can say YES to more than 6 of these signs then odds are you are on the slippery slope to an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR. The best remedy is to fully acknowledge the lapse in your primary relationship and turn all attention to repairing the primary intimacy. Everyone needs close friends and close friends are not ever a threat to a truly intimate relationship.

Dr. Jennifer Freed, Psychotherapist and Educator in Santa Barbara, California, is the author of “Lessons from Stanley the Cat,” radio show host for “Freed Up,” on Voice America, & a professor.

Read “Attractions outside the Marriage.”

“My ex was a psycho!”

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"Mountain Madness Extreme" Squaw Valley by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

By telling others that your ex was a psycho, you’ve just told them a few of the following things about yourself:

1. You have poor judgment in making important decisions.

2. You make those closest to you so angry they seem crazy.

3. You are a black and white thinker, and don’t understand the complexity of relationships.

4. You don’t take responsibility for your role in the relationship.

5. You say bad things about those who were once closest to you.

Most ex-wives and husbands who are called “psychos” are simply regular people who are hurt, angry, and temporarily out of control. Most people have been there to some degree!

There are occasional circumstances in which someone marries a true psychopath without knowing it. These cases are rare and you probably won’t find their partners saying, “My ex was a psycho” in a judgmental manner. Their experience was just too painful to make light of the situation.

You would be more honest, thoughtful, and accountable if you said something like, “We had our differences, and let our frustrations get the better of us. I think we are both better off now and have learned something from the relationship.”

Sounds too level-headed? Then add, “I drove my ex crazy with my moodiness/indifference/selfishness.”

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “You sound like a broken record repeating stories about your psycho ex.”