"Oh Kaye" Jonathan Kaye by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
So what I really meant was…
“No thanks. I’ll do it myself.”
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
“I can do it myself!! Leave me alone!”
Reply
Monthly Archives:
Dysfunctional Parents:
“My parents were so dysfunctional, I don’t even know what a good relationship looks like.”
"Harmonic Resolution" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
Whether or not you can or like to dance, dancing together is a perfect metaphor for the many interactions that occur in a relationship.
Ask yourself the following questions about your relationship: Do you do the dance of relationship to enjoy and connect with your partner or just to look good in front of other people? If you’ve ever seen the Australian comedy “Strictly Ballroom,” you can clearly see the difference between the dancers with an authentic connection and those who are trying to impress the crowds with flashy smiles, choreographed moves and peacock-feathered outfits.
Are you dancing WITH your partner or just dancing nearby, hardly ever looking at him or her? Are you critical or embarrassed of your partner’s moves? Are you more concerned with your own clumsiness than with having a good time together? When one of you makes a mistake, do you move on light-heartedly, or do you crucify your partner with an angry look?
The question at the heart of this metaphor is “How can two autonomous people desiring love and intimacy sustain their passion without becoming controlling, needy, bored, or reactive?”
The “dance” in the relationship remains most sustainable when the partners do not dance in lockstep nor in their own separate worlds.
Some dancers are lost without a partner who leads or follows as expected. They are incapable of being alone and independent, and as a result, try to control the other through heavy-handedness or critical looks. Similar “symptoms” develop in a relationship. Rather than simply adapting when their partner tries something new or independent, partners afraid of autonomy tend to react with anger, humiliation, or embarrassment.
On the other hand, partners who are focused primarily on themselves and remain excessively separate may never make a true connection at all.
When we dance together we embrace a paradox—we connect with our partner while honoring each person’s individuality and letting mild miss-steps slide. It’s the same in relationships, not just romantic ones. We have to embrace the paradox of responding considerately to our partner while honoring the music within ourselves.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
“You think I’m too indulgent with the kids? Well, I don’t want to be a dictator like you!”
"Burning the Ice" Dan Jansen by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
Parents often disagree on how to raise their children, which can easily turn into a running battle of wills. In most cases, one parent is more permissive, warm, and accommodating, while the other is more authoritarian, strict, and rule-oriented.
For instance, one parent wants to let the children eat whenever and whatever they want, while the other has specific rules about when and what they should eat. Usually a middle ground is appropriate. But even the slightest difference in the middle ground can cause conflict between parents.
Without appreciating what the other parent is trying to accomplish, discussion can easily turn into a vitriolic argument. The best way to approach the other parent is by truly understanding and validating the values at the core of his or her parenting style. When we sincerely validate other people’s values, they are more likely to be open up to our ideas.
Authoritarian parents want their children to develop self-discipline and perseverance, qualities needed to make it in the world. Permissive parents desire that their children experience acceptance, happiness, and freedom.
BOTH sets of core values are important for a child’s healthy development; yet, each parenting style in the extreme is detrimental. When we integrate both sets of values and reflect on them from time to time to avoid extremes, wild fluctuations between lenience and severity toward the children diminish.
So if an authoritarian parent says in a stern voice to the child, “Eat your broccoli!” the other spouse could say to the authoriatarian parent later in private, “I agree that it’s important that the child eat vegetables instead of junk food. It’s important for me, and I think, more effective to use a kind, or at least respectful, rather than commanding tone of voice.”
On the other hand, a permissive parent might give in to a surly child’s demand: “I’m not eating this health food for dinner. I’m going to have fruit loops!” The other parent could then respond to the permissive parent later in private with something like, “I know you want to give our children freedom. But they also need to develop healthy eating habits, and to avoid becoming too picky and over-indulged. Let’s give them fewer choices and no choice at all when they speak disrespectfully.”
No two people will ever agree exactly on how to parent, and that’s all right. In the real world our kids will have to adapt to many different people’s expectations and attitudes. Having discussions, being flexible, yet, accepting differences in parenting style from your spouse will benefit both the couple’s relationships and the kids’ development.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Sensuality:
“I’m just not a sensual person.”
"Paradise Café" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
We all are born and raised with certain attributes that we cultivate through practice, experience, and life-style. If you are born and raised to be a particular way, such as practical, spiritual, or intellectual, but not sensual, it’s not too late to develop that side of yourself as well.
Carl Jung talks about the purpose of life being to “individuate,” which means to become more whole and multifaceted by developing all sides of your personality. Once we’ve survived into adulthood, we can choose to gradually develop the parts of ourselves we have neglected, whether that entails becoming more relaxed, more directed, or more sensual, for example.
Sensuality means the enjoyment, expression, or pursuit of the physical, and the condition of being pleasing or fulfilling to the senses. People who don’t feel sensual can develop their sensuality in some of the following ways:
1. Pay attention to all of your senses. Take time to observe your surroundings, to smell the air, and to taste your food. Observe others—their energy and mood.
2. Pay attention to your body—how you feel and how you move. Giving and receiving massages, and practicing yoga, dance, and new sports are all ways that help you become aware of your body and touch.
3. Practice being in the moment. Notice when you start thinking about something else rather than being present in the moment. Practices such as meditation can be very helpful in becoming aware of and transforming automatic thought patterns that prevent full presence.
Sensuality allows you to enjoy your surroundings and your relationships, as well as to notice subtle energetic changes in yourself and others. You can connect better with people when your perceptions become more sensitive. As a result, your enjoyment of the moment and your relationships with other people will flourish.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
“Can’t you see that I’m busy!”
"Love me do!" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
So what I really meant was…
“I’d love to talk to you. Just give me 15 minutes to finish this project/write this letter/make a phone call.”
Or…
“I have some work to finish, but I do have a few minutes for you. What’s on your mind?”
by Alison Poulsen, PhD