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“How can I be happy when she’s not?”

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"Joy" by Mimi Stuart Live the Life you Desire

If misery loves company, what does happiness do? It turns out that happiness is infectious, at least between married to each other. Recent research shows that married men are significantly more satisfied with their lives when their wives are happy with theirs, and vice versa.

British researcher Nick Powdthavee found that in married couples happiness can overflow from one spouse to the other, even for a partner who is facing difficulties. Unfortunately, the same results were not seen among unmarried couples who lived together.

In contrast, the negative effects of constant complaining or whining are greater than intended. The intended message of regularly pointing out flawed details in one’s surroundings, like “the toaster is sticking again,” can become a different message of “I am a pain to be around and will not stop complaining until you’re as unhappy as I am.”

It may seem obvious that it’s more enjoyable to be with someone happy than angry or depressed. Yet, this research gives people another good reason to seek happiness and not feel guilty about it. Since happiness is contagious, there’s no reason to try to make others feel better by showing them that your life is just as miserable as theirs. Instead, people can welcome happiness and serenity–at least to make their spouses happy.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Why do you need to go back to school?”

Read “I never get to go skiing anymore. My partner doesn’t like to ski.”

“I’m shocked at how much I criticize my Dad for letting other people walk all over him and for not standing up for himself.”

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"Bicicletas para Acquilar" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

I suspect your dad’s behavior stems from a deep belief that he is not worthy of being cared for and loved. Feelings of inadequacy often result when a person never received real affection or acknowledgement from their own parents. People who have in their own mind “disappointed” their parents often set themselves up to perpetuate the cycle of disappointing others.

The intention behind your criticism seems to be the positive desire that your dad become self-empowered. To convey to him that he should have faith in himself and deserves more, you probably express yourself with passion.

However, passionate encouragement can be taken the wrong way. The words are meant to be convincing and uplifting: “You deserve better. Stop letting people walk all over you!” Yet, the vigor of the remarks may be heard by him as one more example of how he disappoints others: “You’re always disappointing me. You’re never good enough.” Although there is some truth to both parts of the message, the latter part exacerbates the vicious cycle of inadequacy.

Often, the most compelling thing we can do, particularly with adult relatives, is to accept them without trying to change them, warts and all. Being kind and having a sense of humor—not the mean sarcastic type—are often the best ways to show love and acceptance.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I feel so critical of my partner. I can’t help pointing out every flaw.”

Guest Author Dr. Hedaya: “Why do you keep smoking pot? It’s making you more depressed and will cause schizophrenia.”

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"Trepidatious" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Many times, because they don’t know what else to do, people use drugs as a way of medicating themselves out of depression or anxiety. In the beginning it seems to work, but eventually the effectiveness diminishes.

To try to recapture the earlier benefit, people will use more and more of the drug, which backfires. Their lives fall apart, and the depression and anxiety come back in full force.

Pot in and of itself can cause loss of motivation, increased obsessiveness, panic, anxiety, loss of memory and of course weight gain.

Pot does not cause schizpophrenia, but if someone is vulnerable to schizophrenia, it sure can bring it on, make it worse, and prevent recovery. Use of drugs can be the person’s way of trying to medicate the early symptoms.

If you are close to him or her, start going to Alanon, which helps those who come from dysfunctional families or who are close to a substance abuser. Also see if you can get your friend into counseling and a 12 step program. If he ‘gets it’ he will thank you down the line.

by Robert J. Hedaya MD, DFAPA, Founder, National Center for Whole Psychiatry; Clinical Professor of Psychiatry, Georgetown University School of Medicine; Faculty, Institute for Functional Medicine; Author: “Depression: Advancing the Treatment Paradigm;” “The Antidepressant Survival Program;” “Understanding Biological Psychiatry.”

“People are always criticizing me.”

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“Alec” by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

If you are frequently criticized for a particular trait, you might consider whether people have a point. But if you seem to generally bring out the critical side of people, it could be that you are influencing this pattern by your demeanor.

As we grow up, we learn to anticipate how people are going to treat us before we actually interact. That anticipation makes it more likely that things will happen the way we expect. Our facial expressions and body language convey our expectations, and people tend to respond as we expect them to.

If you are used to being criticized, you anticipate feeling hurt and dejected. Just before an interaction, you may start reacting by slight cringing, looking down, or looking unsure. When people subliminally notice dejected body language, it often brings out their critical side.

It may be time to purposely change those expectations and corresponding body language. At first, you can simply pretend that you expect to be accepted and appreciated, rather than criticized. In other words, when you approach others, anticipate the positive. Facial expressions that convey confidence, anticipating acceptance, tend to induce a favorable response.

Once people start responding more positively, you’ll no longer need to pretend to expect the best. It will come naturally.

by Alison Poulsen PhD

Read “I’m really upset about my child being made fun of at school.”
Watch “Quieting a Harsh Inner Critic.”

“You never listen!”

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"Yakity Sax" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Ask yourself why the other person might not be listening. Perhaps you need to preface your discussion with “Hey Bob, I’d like to get your opinion on something. Is now a good time?” Or “Alexa, I need to talk to you. Do you have five minutes?”

Communicate clearly what you’d like from the other person: their opinion, an action, an answer to a question, sympathy, or a listening ear.

You may also want to look at how you might be contributing to the pattern. Are you talking much more than half the time? Are you filling up empty space? Are you complaining a lot?

Perhaps it’s time for a silent meditation or a counseling session so that you can learn what’s underneath all the words that are being ignored. For example, are you looking for a connection that just can’t be realistically met by another person?

Something vital may be underlying the attempted and failed communication. Once you find out what that is, you may not need to perpetuate your frustrated attempts at being heard.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Respect each other: ‘He’s always talking down to me.’”