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Helpful vs. Intrusive:
“Stay away from my child, I don’t want you to help her and then say bad things about me!”

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"Off-Road Rumble" Juliana Furtado by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Helpful people are usually well-intentioned, sympathetic, and aware of the needs of others. They take pride in and draw strength from their ability to comfort and nurture others and are able to do so with ease.

Being helpful can be a wonderful quality. However, when the need to contribute becomes over-reaching, it becomes unhealthy and intrusive. A strong desire to help often arises from a need to feel needed in order to feel worthwhile. Wanting to be needed sometimes leads a person to become overly-involved, meddling, and manipulative in other people’s lives.

This relationship became unhealthy when an attempt was made to create an alliance with your daughter by weakening her relationship with you. This undermines your relationship with your daughter and causes more suffering rather than helping your family.

It’s important to insist on boundaries for you and your daughter. The most effective and compassionate way to do so would be to acknowledge the adult’s desire to be helpful, and then to clearly state what you want.

You might say, “I appreciate your desire to help my daughter. But when you say negative things about me, that hurts us both. We need to work things out in our own way. So for the time being, it would be most helpful if you gave her some space. Please don’t discuss me or our lives with her.”

You might also tell your child that when people try to establish a connection by demeaning someone else, everyone suffers. Tell her that if this occurs again, she can say, “It makes me uncomfortable when you say negative things about my mom. You better talk to her directly.”

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Stop complaining about me to my child.”

“I’ve told you kids a thousand times to say “Thank you, #!*%*!!”

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"The Blue Bird's Song" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Kids need to be reminded thousands of times to say “Please” and “Thank you.” The fact that they don’t remember does not mean that they are obtuse or rude. It’s simply a steep learning curve to say these extra words when the very same parents excitedly gave them exactly what they wanted when they cried as infants or demanded something as toddlers.

Children feel more and more entitled when their parents don’t require enough of them. Yet, getting angry at even the rudest children will not help them remember to be polite. We have to keep reminding kids to be polite without harshly demanding, “Say “Thank you #!*%*!!”

Brain wiring requires constant repetition as well as appropriate consequences. Holding back the dessert or dinner for a moment and saying, “Show a little appreciation” or “Say ‘Thank you'” with a smile helps remind them. Give them what they want only once they say “Please.” So, when they say, “Can I have another cookie?” you could simply pause and raise your eyebrows quizzically until they add, “Please.”

Also keep letting them know that when they are thankful, it makes you WANT to cook for them, drive them to town, and help them with their homework again.

Developing gratitude in children increases their awareness of other people. Rather than remaining like infants where the world revolves around them, they start recognizing the effort that others make to improve their lives. This in turn makes them able to connect with others from a less egocentric standpoint, and allows them to lead happier, more meaningful lives.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Over-mothering.”

“He tells me to stop being so emotional. Does he want me to be cold and unfeeling like him?”

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"Cool Hard Steel"—Adam Scott by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

The steadfast, unemotional husband, who at first is drawn to his warm, emotional wife, soon grows distrustful of the roller-coaster ride of her emotions. (Of course the genders are not fixed.) He becomes cold and withdrawn; she becomes desperate for connection. Neither attitude is a great aphrodisiac!



Intrigued by one another at first, opposites sometimes end up loathing the opposing qualities. When each tries to change the other, both become more deeply entrenched in their own original one-sided position.

We’ve seen relationships where the emotional partner oscillates between gushing love and fervent hatred. The logical partner of such a type often protects himself from the volatility of her emotions by detaching himself from her, exacerbating her devouring need for connection.

He thinks himself capable of analyzing relationship issues logically and correctly. Yet, his unawareness of his own secret prejudices and sensitivities makes his use of apparently cool rationality potentially pernicious. His partner may find it difficult to argue against his seemingly superior logic, which may be riddled with outbursts of irritation.

Here is a case where intense reactivity can lead couples to polar extremes. The extreme position of the each partner scares the other into a more defended posture.

If the relationship is to grow, each partner needs to integrate some of the opposite quality to become more whole. Both partners need to accept the other’s qualities, as flawed as they are, and move toward the center themselves. If one person becomes more balanced, the other is likely to follow, because there’s less need to be on the defensive.

If the emotional person were to respond with calm objectivity, it would allow the rational person to show more feeling without fearing being sucked into histrionic chaos. If the rational person were to get in touch with and express some of his own emotions, discomfort or fear, for example, the feeling person would gain compassion for him and soften her melodrama, no longer needing to get a show of emotions from him.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Emotional Intimacy.”

Four ways to handle gossip:
“Oh no, I’m trapped by her gossiping again!”

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"The Siren's Song" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

A little bit of gossip may be healthy when its purpose is to spread good news, to gain insight, or to protect a friend from harm. However, when spreading rumors only serves to get attention or malign someone, it brings everyone down and often indicates that the gossiper is not comfortable in his or her own skin.

When you feel yourself being lured into malicious gossip, spurring the perpetrator on with curiosity, agreement, and questions can lead to a conversation that will make you feel uncharitable and mean-spirited afterwards. Here are some ways to handle the conversation:

1. Change the Subject: “How’s your work going?” This is the easiest way to handle gossip.

2. Devil’s Advocate: “Let’s take a look at it from Jane’s side.” People who gossip are often used to getting others’ attention and agreement. They might be taken aback, and stop, if you defend the person being slandered.

3. Innuendo: “Let’s talk about something more positive and decide what we’re going to do this afternoon.” These statements imply disapproval, but are softened with an alternative topic of discussion.

4. Direct: “I feel uncomfortable listening to negative judgments and rumors about people unless we’re trying to help them.” This is direct and can be said to people who can handle honest criticism, or when gossip is particularly malicious.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Watch “Distinguishing Harmless from Malicious Gossip.”

Watch “How To Respond To Malicious Gossip.”

Read “Why People Gossip and how to Deal with it.”

Read “What to do when people gossip about you.”

Perfectionism: “I’d like to have people over more often, but I rarely do, because it’s so much work to cook a great meal.”

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"Impeccable" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

If you want to spend time with friends but don’t want to work too hard cooking, have a potluck or cook something easy. I think most people would rather spend the evening with friends they enjoy than a stressed-out host with an elaborate meal.



The perfectionist within might ask, “What’s wrong with excelling?” Yet, the desire to excel differs from the desire to perfect. Perfectionism is “a propensity for setting extremely high standards and being displeased with anything else.” Ironically, the anxiety created by the perfectionist’s fear of failure can ruin the sought after pleasure of cooking an excellent meal for friends.

There is no reason you can’t have BOTH the desire to excel and the ability to accept and enjoy reality, which is less than perfect. So if you want, try to cook something great, but maintain a relaxed attitude despite anything that MIGHT go wrong.

You rarely hear about the perfect dinner party, but an over-spiced, smoke-filled, ridiculously-problematic dinner tale gets a lot of mileage in laughter-filled stories long after the smoke clears. Laughter is much better for your health and your relationships than the anxiety of having to control for THE perfect outcome.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Too Responsible to Enjoy.”