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“I’m tired of being treated as a sex object.”

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"Gloria with R.E.S.P.E.C.T." Gloria Reuben
by Mimi Stuart ©

Live the Life you Desire

If this is the general way people seem to treat you and not a specific situation of sexual harassment, then it’s worthwhile to consider how you may be unconsciously inviting others to view you in this limited way.

Early upbringing and cultural attitudes toward women affect the way individual women view themselves. They then unwittingly convey their self-perception through their demeanor and body language, sending subtle cues as to how they expect to be treated. Some may dress or carry themselves provocatively, but others may dress normally or even in a frumpy manner to hide their sexuality. Usually body language communicates even more powerful messages than exterior clothing.

What these women seem to have in common is that they don’t view themselves as deserving of respect as being valuable, whole individuals.

A woman who views herself as a worthwhile, whole human being is less likely to pull in purely sexual responses. Even if someone were to make a sexual comment, she would not feel excessively flattered or defensive about it. If an inappropriate comment were made, she would view it as a reflection of the person making the comment rather than of herself.

Women who are more vulnerable to being treated as sex objects are often sensitive to such treatment as they seem to expect it on a deeper level. Some may even seek out that kind of attention, as it may be the only way they’ve learned to get attention and validation.

This seemingly unfair cycle can be broken, (1) by becoming aware of how you may unconsciously invite others to view you in that specific way, (2) by neutralizing your reactivity to it, and (3) by gravitating toward people and situations that don’t objectify you specifically or women in general. In addition, you could learn to develop and value other aspects of your personality—for example, your intelligence, your talents, your inner strength, or your search for greater meaning.

by Alison Poulsen PhD

Read “People are always criticizing me.”

Drunk Driving: “I hate driving with you when you’ve been drinking this much!”

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"Into a Dry Martini" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

If your partner or friend who’s been drinking too much insists on driving with you on board, notice your reaction: Do you hesitate because you’re afraid of upsetting the other person and therefore you’d rather comply?

When we’re not aware of the psychological forces that motivate us, they can wreak havoc in our lives. This is a situation where the desire to comply in order to get along can endanger your life.

Accommodating others is reasonable as long as we are not risking harm or motivated to do so by the dread of the anxiety associated with non-compliance. But when acquiescing to pressure compromises your own safety and well-being, it is not worth temporarily appeasing an out-of-control or inebriated person. It does not show respect for oneself or others.

So it’s important to develop the ability to withstand the anxiety of standing up against forceful demands. When an intoxicated person pressures you with “I’m fine; just get in the car,” you don’t need to convince him or her of anything. Walking away and being safe is what’s important.

If the person is really drunk and could endanger others on the road, it takes additional courage to take the keys or call the police. You may save not only someone else’s life, but the drunk driver’s life as well. It’s better for the intoxicated person to go to jail and experience embarrassment than to live with the consequences of having injured or killed someone.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Sarcasm: “You can carry it yourself. Your arms aren’t broken.”

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"Dauntless" Lope's Hope by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Sarcastic people often hide behind the excuse of “I was just being funny.” Humor makes people laugh, but sarcasm does not.

The word comes from the Greek “sarkasmos” meaning “to tear flesh, gnash the teeth, and speak bitterly.” Sarcasm signifies “the use of irony to mock or convey contempt.” Contempt communicates the feeling that the other is unworthy of respect. It’s no longer so funny when someone treats you as though you are unworthy of respect.

People often use sarcasm because they have been treated poorly themselves, which creates a desire to retaliate by making other people feel foolish. Thus, the miserable cycle of biting cynicism fuels itself.

Sarcastic people have often been taught to feel uncomfortable talking about such unmanly things as feelings, needs and desires—e.g., being tired, overwhelmed, sad, angry, etc. They expect or hope that others will know what they feel and need.

Ironically, when we avoid expressing our vulnerabilities, it can lead to a subversive upwelling of those vulnerabilities. When they’re not expressed in a straight-forward manner, they simmer below the surface and erupt in a hurtful way.

Instead of saying “Are your arms broken?” it’s much more effective to state why you don’t want to carry something or otherwise undertake the task at hand. Here are some ideas of what you could say without attacking the other person:

“Sorry, I’m too tired. I’ve worked a lot today,”
“I’ve got my hands full,”
“I think you can handle it,”
“I would like it if you contributed a little more,” or
“I’d like to go relax and reread ‘Where the Wild things Are.’”

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Contempt: ‘Don’t look at me that way.'”

“I don’t like many people in this town.”

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"Comprehension" Einstein by Mimi Stuart
Live the LIfe you Desire

The way you relate to the outside world reflects the way you relate to the inner world of your psyche. If you tend to be critical of many types of people, chances are you have a severe inner critic that condemns many different parts of yourself.

Such an inner critic causes you to disown and actively disavow parts of yourself, constricting your life-force, and possibly leading to depression. It prevents you from becoming a more multifaceted, life-embracing, and understanding individual.

An active antipathy for whole groups of people, for example, the rich, the sophisticated, tree-huggers, hipsters, nerds, jocks, or entire races of people, indicates a one-sided rigidity within your own personality that limits your empathy, your vitality, and ultimately, your life.

There’s no need to embrace people who are extreme and it’s fine not to like certain individuals. Undoubtedly, many people do not carry their personality traits very attractively. However, every type has some valuable qualities from which we can learn something. By comprehending why people are the way they are, your inner critic will soften, allowing you the flexibility and breathing room to live more expansively.

When you see or hear yourself starting to disparage whole groups of people stop and ask yourself, “Does this feeling really benefit me? How could my life be enhanced if I let go of these negative feelings and paid attention to the positive aspects of this group?”

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I feel so critical of my partner.”