"Starlight Serenade" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
So what I really meant was…
to quote Billy Crystal,
“You look MAAAHvelous!
Let’s go to dinner, the movies, or on a walk under the stars tonight.”
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
"Granite Chief, Squaw Valley" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
When people are irritable, give them the benefit of the doubt. There may be a good reason for the way they feel.
For example, ask the troubled person, “Did something happen at work?” or “You seem upset. Is there anything I can do for you?”
Sometimes, just a bit of compassion is all that’s needed to restore a person’s equilibrium. Tone of voice and good intentions are key, as surly people can and will read criticism into anything.
If they remain grumpy, give them some space. If they become rude, let them know that their attitude is affecting you. You’re not doing yourself or them any good by allowing them to treat you badly. You’re merely encouraging disrespectful behavior, which makes both of you feel worse.
Try not to become rude yourself. Give them some time alone and say something like, “When you’re this irritable, it makes me feel miserable too. I’m going to give you some space. I hope you feel better and can speak to me more respectfully in a little while.”
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
"Sweet Dreams" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
Candy is the quintessential instant gratification for a child. Someone who plays with kids and gives them sweets is someone who wants to be liked.
To motivate someone who wants to be liked, it’s best not to be disapproving. Rather than getting mad at your sister, enlist her help.
Tell her how hard it is when the kids get roused before bedtime. Talk to her about the candy before she comes over. “Hey, it’s thoughtful of you to think of the kids and bring them something they like. But sweets make them hyperactive. If you really want to bring something, please make sure it doesn’t have sugar in it.”
Ask if she would help you keep the atmosphere calm when she comes over in the evening. You could let her know that it would be helpful to play tranquil games or read to the kids to quiet them down before getting a good night sleep and sweet dreams. (Better than diabetic nightmares!)
If that doesn’t work, limit her visits to the daytime. You can be honest if you are kind-hearted about it. “You are so much fun that it gets the kids too excited before bedtime. It makes it really difficult for us to get them to bed. So afternoon visits would work better.”
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
"Lie to me" Jonny Lang by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
Would you have lied to a Nazi during WWII if you had been Jewish? Most of us probably would have, because the consequences of telling the truth would have been deadly.
This is an extreme example, but take it down dramatically. People often learn to distort or hide the truth when they fear dire consequences or over-reaction.
People learn to react to emotionally-dangerous circumstances in different ways. These ways include being rebellious, disappearing physically or emotionally, and being compliant, which may lead to lying.
Part of being compliant is adapting to what we think the other person wants in order not to arouse an adverse reaction. A compliant person might hide the truth or distort it in order to avoid hostility or to gain connection.
You won’t stop lying by pounding your fist on the table or by seething with anger. You’ll just cause others to avoid you and become more astute in their deviousness.
So if your family members hide the truth or lie to you in order to please or appease you, it’s worthwhile for you to look at whether your reactions have something to do with it. Consider whether you tend to react with a lot of drama, criticism, or hostility.
Ask yourself whether you can handle the truth.
Although you can’t guarantee truth-telling, the way to promote it is by being compassionate and reasonable. This doesn’t mean that there can’t be consequences for bad behavior. But if you generally respond with reasonable discussion and suitable consequences, people will be more willing to be honest with you.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “Manipulation: I can’t stand dealing with people who are manipulative.”
"Mezzo Piano" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
So what I really meant was…
“Don’t worry. Everybody drops a glass once in while. Let’s get the broom.”
by Alison Poulsen, PhD