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“No one ever helps me with the dishes.”

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"Impact - Out of the Sand Trap" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Live you Desire

Try saying with a positive tone of voice, “It would be great if you could help with the dishes.” People generally like to help, IF they feel they will be appreciated for helping, NOT if guilt is used to get them to help. If your request doesn’t work, then add, “I really need your help right now. Please help me do the dishes.” Sound friendly, but not meek.

If this is a daily problem, plan ahead and ask, “Who wants to chop vegetables and set the table, and who wants to wash the dishes?”

If none of this works because your family dynamics are too entrenched, you may think about buying paper plates or going out to eat on your own. Just say, “I’m pretty overwhelmed with work and will treat myself to no dishes.”

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I never get to go skiing anymore.”

Manipulation:
“I value honesty and can’t stand dealing with manipulative people.”

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"Allure" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

You won’t like hearing this, but often when you “can’t stand” a certain quality in people, it means you need to develop the positive version of that quality in yourself.

The solution to dealing with manipulators is to develop a small dose of your own manipulative side in a positive way, namely, learning to be diplomatic and take into account your particular audience.

If you completely disown your manipulative/diplomatic side, you may unconsciously draw manipulative people into your orbit, becoming an easy victim. Also, a manipulative side that remains unconscious is in danger of erupting out of the shadow when you least expect it and to everybody else’s total surprise.

The benefits of having access to diplomacy, shrewdness and discretion include self-preservation and being able to deal with different types of people. While honesty generally promotes trust, it can be considered rude to be too honest in some cultures and subcultures. When dealing with manipulative people, it can be foolish and even self-destructive to be too honest.

Healthy flexibility in your ability to relate with different types allows you to enjoy and protect yourself with a wider range of people. Also, many positive skills require some diplomatic framing; how could you get and hold a job or flirt without a little diplomacy?

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “The Benefit of People who Bug you” by J’aime ona Pangaia.

Read “Lying: I get so mad that my family lies to me all the time.”

“Don’t you love me?”

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"The Kiss" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

No, please don’t ask that! If you have to ask, then at least say, “I know you’re crazy about me,” or “Tell me all the reasons you love me,” but say it with confidence and a smile in your eyes.

The question “Don’t you love me?” sounds needy and weak. You’ll probably get a “Yes, of course I do,” but it won’t be very satisfying, because the yearning and deprivation behind the question act as elements of coercion. There’s a sense of “You better answer ‘yes’, because if you don’t soothe my doubts, I’ll fall apart and then you’ll really have to take care of me.”

It’s human nature to be put off by neediness. Ironically, the very people who want so much to be desired and loved cause others to lose desire for them by their yearning. Instead of pressuring someone to validate you, it’s healthier to accept and validate yourself. It takes will-power, self-awareness, and a lot of practice standing on your own. While it may be tough to resist asking for validation and love, you’ll become stronger as well as more desirable to others.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Emotional Intimacy.”

Getting off the phone:
“I can never get off the phone with certain people who seem to talk forever.”

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"Over the Top" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

It can be hard to get off the phone with big talkers because you don’t want to hurt their feelings and you don’t want to interrupt. While you don’t have to hurt their feelings, you might have to interrupt. If you’re not using caller ID and you get hooked in, simply break into the conversation and say, “Let’s talk when I’m off work.” Or, “Can we talk on Tuesday?” Or, “I’d love to talk to you after finishing this project/feeding the kids/tomorrow/OR…maybe in three years.”

When you’re able to get off the phone quickly, easily and politely, then you won’t dread it when you hear the phone ring. If some people still don’t understand that you have different priorities and that your time is valuable, then you can’t worry too much about possibly offending them. They need to get the message that you are not available for ongoing venting and chit chat.

If you get hooked in on a repeated basis, you’re sending the message that you are available as an auditory receptacle. Simply interject, “I’m sorry, but I’ve got a lot of work to do. Take care. Have a great day.” CLICK.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Setting Boundaries.”

Life Shifting with Dr. Hull: “Don’t you think I should be happy?”

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"Stepping into Flux" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

We are so attached to the concept of being happy in this culture that we beat ourselves up whenever life appears other than aligned with this lofty—and quite often unattainable—goal. In the sentence above, “should” is a euphemism, a stand-in, for “something is wrong with my life.” I don’t accept life as it is. Either IT (life) or I need to change.

What is the antidote to the debacle of “should”? In its many internal and external guises, “should” is often a sign of resistance to what is, and resistance, at its core, is almost always fear. Take a moment and think about what the deeper voice—the one bubbling up from the heart—might be saying (when in the throes of “should”): “I am afraid to let go of my partner. I am afraid to change. I am afraid that he doesn’t love me. I am afraid that my life will be a failure.” YIKES! Do you see how the monster of fear lies in wait under the surface mantra of “life should be different”?

Happiness, in the context of “should” is a paradox, because only by letting go of the “should” component—which is based on fear and our need to control—can true happiness ultimately emerge in our lives. I believe we could be happy, but only if we learn to stop resisting life, embrace change, and resonate, relish, and revel, deep down, head to toe, in the mud of what is, which is what becoming a “life-shifter” is ultimately about.

By Dr. Jeffrey Hull, Author of “SHIFT: Let Go of Fear and Get Your Life in Gear”, Radio Host on Transformation Talk Radio; Life Shifting with Dr. Hull, Psychologist and Executive Coach in New York.