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“I can’t stand it when people talk over me.”

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"Oblique Motion" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

When you deal with someone who interrupts a lot, you need to learn how to keep talking anyway, without being angry, sullen, or hurt. Or you can say, “Wait! wait! I’m not done…” and then continue with your story.

There’s no need to give an evil glare and announce, “You’re interrupting me again.” That puts you in the critical parent role and the interrupter in the scolded child role—a combination, which leads to hurt, anger, and embarrassment.

Instead, interrupt back in a passionate way, showing that you’re excited about what you’re saying. Of course, you want to make sure that the other person gets a chance to talk too.

People differ greatly in how comfortable they are interrupting in order to get a word into a conversation. In Italy, you will never be heard unless you’re willing to jump in to make your voice heard because several will be talking simultaneously. People who have been raised in quieter, more “polite” environments can benefit from learning to assert themselves around enthusiastic conversationalists.

On the other hand, passionate interrupters might benefit by exercising patience and listening skills. But you’ll need to interrupt assertively to suggest something like that.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I can never get off the phone.”

Read “Conversation and Active Listening: ‘It seems like I do all the talking.’”

“You sound like a broken record repeating stories about your psycho ex!”

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"Reverberation" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

People often remain stuck in a state of anger when they can’t get past the wrong that’s been done, real or perceived. Some painful pattern in the past keeps them captively reviewing the events like a broken record. They yearn for justice but can’t get relief, because they do not deal with the real hurt underlying the situation. Focusing on the ex is a way to avoid the real challenge of looking within.

As a friend, it’s not healthy to pile on with negative judgments about the culprit involved. The best thing a friend can do is to point out the harmful pattern that you’re concerned about. Listen for what’s behind the obsessive anger—usually an underlying vulnerability or fear.

People fixated on their exes often fear that they are somehow inadequate or unlovable. For instance, being married without feeling appreciated can leave a person feeling undeserving of recognition. Only when a person starts resolving his or her own hidden vulnerability is there a chance of communicating effectively about what really matters. That’s when the process of healing and growth can begin.

As a friend, depending on the underlying issue, you might compassionately say something like, “It seems that you were not appreciated very much. Maybe you’ve had a pattern of hoping to get appreciation from people who don’t give it.” Ask how they think they can best deal with the underlying need, without repeatedly going over how they’ve been hurt. Ask how they might best focus on recognizing and appreciating their own self-worth.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Venting and Triangulation.”

Read “My ex can’t stop complaining about me to my child. I feel like doing the same right back.”

Guest Author Dr. Jennifer Freed: “My instincts told me not to do it, but his eyes told me ‘to go for it.’ Sitting in the hospital now after jumping on his motorcycle, I’m asking myself why I date guys so excited by danger?”

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"Need for Speed" Tom Cruise, by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

If you are attracted to so-called adrenaline junkies—people who are excited by danger—you probably need some excitement in order to truly feel alive. Guys or gals who need to stay HIGH to feel anything are suffering from mind-baffling numbness and will seek more dangerous activities to keep upping the ante.

If he always needs to get off with some adrenaline surge, he is most likely going to be a serial dater, or a regular visitor to the ER. If what you’re looking for is intimacy, you won’t find it in adrenaline junkies or daters. They’re desperately looking for something or someone to take them out of their mortal bodies, and out of this world—and that’s just not a place for lovers to find lasting satisfaction.

When all your instincts say no, but his eyes tell you “GO FOR IT,” make sure that you have time to consider the short term benefits and the possible long term consequences. Doing IT just because HE WANTS ME TO is not a good plan. Remember, any guy who truly LIKES YOU will like you whether or not you jump out of an airplane. If he wants you to be thrilling so he can be turned on, you probably can’t keep that up anyway. A real man wants his woman to be happy and safe, not risky and dumb. A buzzkill may actually be a badge of real courage once you realize that saying YES just to be popular is truly the cowardly thing to do.

Dr. Jennifer Freed is the author of “Lessons from Stanley the Cat”, a psychotherapist, a radio show host “Freed Up,” on Voice America, & a professor.

When Others are Angry:
“I can’t deal with my husband’s anger, even though his anger’s about someone at work. I just walk away.”

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"Sound Wave" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

If you can’t handle being in the room when your spouse is angry, then leaving might be necessary. But try not to walk away without an explanation, or he might feel rejected or abandoned. Explain that you feel overwhelmed by the force and volume of his voice, even though you know he’s not angry at you. Tell him that you want to hear what’s going on his life at work, when he’s calmer.

It is important to let your spouse know that although his anger may be justified, that his angry energy and loud tone of voice make you feel apprehensive and upset, as though he’s angry at you. On the other hand, consider whether you are perhaps overly sensitive to any display of anger, in which case you might want to work on thickening your skin and resilience.

Should you have compassion for someone who is angry? Absolutely, even though it may not be easy. It helps to see through the anger to the underlying hurt or fear that’s fueling that anger. When you see the vulnerability underneath, it’s much harder to take anger personally, even if it were aimed at you.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Dealing with Angry People.”

Read “Being Firm with a Sensitive Child.”

Over-mothering:
“It’s hard to be firm with my child, because he’s very sensitive.”

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"Resolute" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

You may be projecting your own desire to be taken care of onto your child and therefore over-mother him. Ironically, this over-protection causes increased sensitivity and anxiety in both you and the child.

Life is difficult and can be challenging. It’s our responsibility as parents to prepare our children for those challenges. Too much protection and anxiety on the part of the parent can prevent the child from learning to fend for himself and to develop a healthy resilience and independence, leaving the child helpless, fearful, and dependent.

A child needs to gradually develop a sense of emotional separation from the parent. Being firm in a reasonable and respectful way requires having personal authority and the ability to set boundaries and mean it. This is a great thing to role-model for your kids if you want them to be able to stand up for themselves and others.

Start gradually treating your child as though he has some strength and resilience of his own (age-appropriately, of course). Children learn to handle life’s challenges without falling apart through having to muster up some courage in new situations and not necessarily getting what they want. So don’t be afraid to be resolute when it matters. Kids who gradually learn to deal with some pressure and boundaries while feeling secure and loved, grow up to handle most of what life is capable of throwing at them.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Parenting Together: Authoritarian vs. Permissive Parenting.”