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Threatened by Partner going back to School:
“Why do you need to go back to school?”

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Doc Rendezvous & Buzz Aldrin by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

There are great benefits in encouraging your partner to pursue his or her own interests, whether it involves studying the ancient Greeks or learning how to para-glide. There is nothing more loving and irresistibly attractive than having someone support you and believe in your endeavors and efforts.

Encouragement also promotes a desire to reciprocate. When your partner encourages you to pursue your interests, you’ll want him or her to pursue his or hers, whether it’s hiking or exploring petroglyphs.

Feeling threatened by your partner’s growth and education is usually based on a fear that your partner will grow beyond you. Rather than discouraging your partner, use that fear to push yourself to improve and grow.

When you encourage your partner to pursue his or her passions, it enriches both of your lives. Taking on challenges builds a healthy confidence and vitality. Wouldn’t you rather be with someone with enthusiasm for learning—someone like Astronaut Buzz Aldrin, who once said, “I have two passions: space exploration and hip hop,” than with someone who’s waiting for you at home weary and apathetic?

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I never get to go skiing anymore. My partner doesn’t like to ski.”

“I found out my daughter has cancer. All I can do is cry and worry.”

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"Blue Angels" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Feelings of fear and worry are important to get our attention in times of danger. Once we are alerted to difficulties, however, we need to harness fear and worry in favor of our personal power. The most useful powers in times of difficulty include courage, love, and clear thinking.

If you are on an airplane that is in danger of crashing, would you want the pilot and flight attendants to be frightened and freaked out, or focused and unruffled?

Experiencing vulnerability is a crucial part of being able to feel empathy and love. Being able to feel sadness, longing, and fear is that which allows great artists, writers and musicians to convey the depths of the human experience.

However, we should not allow feelings and vulnerability to take over. Worry and anxiety are contagious and paralyzing. It is the power of our capabilities, our thinking, our courage, and our optimism that can best handle the inevitable difficulties of life.

In fact, the greater your ability to feel vulnerable AND CONTAIN feelings of fear and vulnerability without succumbing to anxiety, the greater comfort you will be to your daughter and the more you can be of help and continue to effectively function in times of crisis.

When you feel calm and courageous, you can clearly analyze your daughter’s situation without alternating between fake cheer and anxiety-ridden panic. You can also become a source of authentic strength and optimism.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Fearful Children.”

Dining with Moochers:
“I always end up paying for other people when we go out.”

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R&B Cellars Wine Labels by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Gallantly paying for dinner is an admirable gesture. However, your irritation indicates that you need to balance your generosity with a little self-preservation.

There are plenty of people who would happily order the best wines at dinner and then allow you to pay for them. Paying for people who repeatedly take advantage of you may result in resentment and financial stress.

Ask yourself whether you have a sense that your mere presence is not adequate in itself and that you need to do something extra to be acknowledged and appreciated. When the desire to be appreciated becomes excessive, it becomes self-defeating. You attract those who will take advantage of you, and the gratitude you seek will never be satisfying.

So unless you’re independently wealthy and  enjoy playing to a stream of pandering free-loaders, you may benefit in toning down your magnanimity.

If you go out with people who tend to feel entitled, simply bring cash and only pay your share of the check, plus extra for the tip they may conveniently forget—or ask for a separate check at the beginning of the meal. More importantly, remind yourself that your presence alone is sufficiently valuable.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Living together Part 2: Fairness — ‘Well, I’m paying for everything!’”

Desire: “I’ve got needs, but she pretends she’s asleep.”

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"Desire" Marilyn Monroe, by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

When you translate your desire into a need for biological gratification, it’s a turn-off. Your partner will resent feeling used to feed your self-esteem and needs. Desire out of a need to be satiated is consumptive and can never be fully satisfying to either party.

However, sexual intimacy deepens the vitality of long-term relationships and should definitely be pursued. So talk to your partner to discover how you can both deepen the intimacy between the two of you. Ask your partner what she’s feeling and express how important it is for you to have passion and intimacy on all levels in your relationship.

In addition to talking to her, change your view of sexual intimacy from one of need to one of desire. Make her feel desired, loved and cherished rather than needed.

Martin Prechtel, a Guatemalan Shaman, distinguishes between seduction—the act of getting what you want—and courting—the act of giving blessing to what you love.

This art of courting comes from desire out of abundance, which leads to more desire and intimacy for both partners. Desire out of fullness arises out of a sense of self worth and an appreciation for the other person.

Show her your love and appreciation. Share more of yourself. Remember those attributes that attracted you and TELL her. Tell her your fantasies and ask her to tell you hers. You might be pleasantly surprised.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Emotional Intimacy.”

Read “You never touch me! You’re not attracted to me anymore, are you?”

Read “Sustaining Desire: ‘It doesn’t matter. Let’s just watch TV.’”

Recommended: Schnarch, D. (2003). “Intimacy and Desire: Awaken the Passion in your Marriage,” and Schnarch, D. (2009) “Passionate Marriage.”
Listen to “Schnarch, D. “Problems of Sexual Desire: Who Really Wants to Want?” (Audio)”.

“I need some space from you kids! Just leave me in peace!”

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"The Sound of Furyk" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

It’s exhausting to be needed all the time by young children. It’s important to try and get some space BEFORE you get overwhelmed. Once you start yelling, it’s too late—the child feels hurt and you feel guilty, which makes any space and time alone not very enjoyable.

If you take some quiet time on a regular basis, the child will get used to it, and you’ll be less likely to explode. You can say something like, “I love spending time with you. But everyone needs a little solitude to rejuvenate. I will feel a lot better afterwards.”

If you explain yourself briefly and calmly, the child won’t feel abandoned and you’ll be role modeling how to create a healthy balance between interaction with others and peaceful solitude for yourself.

If you get to the point of losing your temper, simply apologize afterwards. Say, “Everyone needs some time to re-energize, and I’ve been ignoring a voice inside me that says, ‘I need to take some time for myself right now.’”

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Watch “Expressing Anger Effectively.”