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“I never get to go skiing anymore. My partner doesn’t like to ski.”

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"Phil Mahre" by Mimi StuartLive the Life you Desire

Saying “I don’t get to” implies a lack of power and control over your own life—needing to ask for permission. It’s important in relationship that both partners continue doing the things they are passionate about. If you love skiing, make sure you get out there and go skiing and encourage your partner to do what he or she loves to do. People who pursue their passions have a vitality that is irresistible and brings magic into their relationships.

Partners don’t have to do everything together. In fact a little space can be healthy. Tell your partner how happy it makes you to go skiing. If he or she is not interested, you can go on your own to enjoy some fresh powder, groomers, or bumps.

By feeding your soul, you become more interesting and enjoyable to be around. Even if you spend a little less time with your partner, when you’re with him or her, you’ll feel more alive and have something of interest to share.

by Alison Poulsen

Watch “Pursuing your Passions in Relationship.”

Triangulation:
“My ex can’t stop complaining about me to my child. I feel like doing the same right back.”

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"Counterpoint" by Mimi Stuart
Living the Life you Desire

This is triangulation, the purpose being to vent anxiety, not to gain insight. The worst kind involves a parent who complains to a child about the other parent, creating a lot of insecurity and anxiety in the child.

Children generally want connection with their parents, even if that entails becoming a confidant in this way. But they pay for a parent’s emotional venting with a growing disrespect for the complaining parent and feelings of guilt for betraying the other parent.

If I were the other parent, I would respond to the child with something like the following: “When people are hurt or disappointed, they sometimes lash out at the person they are hurt by. They tend to focus on and exaggerate the negative qualities of that person. You can tell your mom/dad that it’s painful to hear those complaints, but remember that no one is perfect. Here are a few things to be clear about though: This is not your fault. It is not your job to fix the problem or to console anyone. This will get easier. And most of all, we will both always love you.”

One of the greatest things we can teach our children is the ability to withstand anxiety. We can best do this by practicing it ourselves—feeling difficult emotions and yet hanging on to both our compassion and our reason, by understanding why the ex-spouse is lashing out and speaking openly without blame and attack.

by Alison Poulsen

Read “Venting and Triangulation: The Insideous Triangle.”

Jealous Partner:
“How can you be so jealous! You’re being ridiculous.”

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"Wailing Sax" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

A jealous partner may have experienced abandonment in his or her life and be easily triggered. Getting angry won’t help the situation.

Try to have compassion. “You sound jealous. I want you to know you are the most important person to me. There is nobody else and there is nobody who compares.”

If jealousy continues to be an ongoing problem without any basis to it, tell the jealous person that the suspicions are hurtful and are causing you to feel defensive and to want to withdraw, and that is not good for the relationship. Ask her to focus on her desires and not her fears in the relationship. Try to be understanding in that this is about her insecurity. While being considerate and reassuring, don’t start constricting your life to pander to her fears, if they are unreasonable.

by Alison Poulsen

Read “Control Kills Passion.”

“He’s such a caveman! Same old Disappointment on Valentine’s Day.”

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"Rattlesnake Shake " Rick Vito by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Disappointment on Valentine’s Day, whether you’re with a “caveman” or not in a relationship, reminds us to reflect on our expectations. The media’s extravagant marketing and movie moments create unrealistic expectations on both men and women. There’s no way to live up to those cinematic dramatics, at least not without set decorators and a film crew.

No single person has it all. Individuals who plan fabulous banners declaring their unrequited love emblazoned on the side of the Goodyear blimp may be lacking in other desirable qualities. Those exciting, full-of-surprise types may end up sending exotic Brazilian flowers dripping with diamonds to someone else next year—Surprise! So appreciate your caveman.

Life is too short to waste time wishing that your partner knew what your private fantasy was. Yet, if your idea of Valentine’s Day or any day is important to you, instead of playing a guessing game, suggest what you want. Say, “I’d love to be surprised one night by…” Or you can make your particular fantasy happen yourself. If you can’t fly off to Paris, then set the table with a checked cloth and enjoy some wine at home. If you don’t have a partner, you can still embrace romance and have fun with a relative or friends by creating and enjoying an evening of intimate ambiance together.

by Alison Poulsen

Read “Emotional Intimacy.”