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Feng Shui Day with Dr. Katherine Morris: “I always feel on edge in my new home. It’s as though I’m becoming a perfectionist.”

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"Blue and Gold" by Mimi Stuart, W Foundation Collection
Live the Life you Desire

A home that does not meet the needs of those who live in it is a source of ongoing stress. Homeowners often fail to consider the effects their homes have on their interpersonal communications, their family life, their love life, their work life, their sleeping habits, their health, and their peace of mind.

The Feng Shui 5 elements are the building blocks of the physical world. They are earth, metal, water, wood, and fire. Humans are made up energetically of the qualities/metaphors associated with the five elements and are therefore most comfortable when all five are represented in their environment.

When one element dominates a space literally, an attitude or behavior that correlates with that element will also dominate. For example, perfectionism can be fostered or exacerbated by a home or office that has too much of the metal element. A space which is dominated by the metal element can foster an inflexible attitude, a sharp tongue, an obsession with order, differences, and the need to be right. Perfectionism is what we want for the Blue Angels and for engineers designing our bridges, but we might be happier if we don’t demand it at home.

By Dr. Katherine Grace Morris, founder of SoulfulSpace.com and InspiredSettings.com, a depth psychologist and feng shui consultant in the Washington, DC area.

The Harsh Inner Critic:
“I told her I love her on the first date. I am such an idiot.”

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“Faces” by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

We all have an inner critic, which is necessary to stop us from engaging in illegal or unethical behavior and saying outrageous things. However, a tyrannical inner critic can be debilitating and lead to feelings of inadequacy and depression, preventing full participation in life.

Most people have an inner critic that can be abrasive in just a couple of select areas, interfering with their ability to enjoy life in those areas by insisting that they are not good enough, attractive enough, or smart enough. When the inner critic becomes abusive in any area of life, we need to tone it down, put it into perspective, and transform it into an encouraging supporter. Self-criticism is most useful when we consider our mistakes and use them as lessons to help guide us in the future.

So every time you say, “I’m an idiot,” “I totally blew it again,” or any other self-demeaning phrase, follow it with a positive phrase, such as, “No one’s perfect,” “Everyone who tries makes mistakes” or use a helpful and constructive thought, such as “Next time I won’t say I love someone on the first date. At least I’m romantic.”

Regarding your declaration of love on a first date, there is a happy medium in healthy relationships between being emotionally withdrawn and sharing every fleeting feeling. Next time, just enjoy the feeling of infatuation at least until the third date. Keep in mind, there are a lot worse things than announcing you’re in love on the first date.

by Alison Poulsen

Watch “Quieting a Harsh Inner Critic.”

“I feel so critical of my partner. I can’t help pointing out every flaw.”

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"Baby I love your Way" Peter Frampton by Mimi Stuart Live the Life you Desire

There are three important reasons to look for the positive in your partner. First, how you treat other people becomes who you are. Would you rather be understanding, supportive, appreciative and optimistic, or critical, stern, mean-spirited, and nit-picking? When you push yourself to act respectfully and overlook unimportant flaws, you will feel much better about yourself.

Second, how you judge others affects the way they behave and view themselves. When you point out how sloppy and clumsy another person is, those traits will become magnified. If, instead, you focus on their good qualities, they will tend to reflect those qualities.

Third, constant criticism will wreck a relationship and make you both miserable.

If you tend to be critical, you have to purposely develop the habit of appreciating the good in others. The neuro-plasticity of our brains allows us to change, but it requires a lot of practice. Every time you think, “What a slob,” you must force yourself to think and even express a different thought about the person, such as, “You are always there for me and the kids.” After 2000 or so thought switches, it becomes almost natural to change that particular thought. It also becomes easier to see the good in people around you, because they will thrive in an environment of appreciation.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Criticism and Contempt.”

Read “I’m shocked how much I criticize my dad for not standing up for himself.”

“Why didn’t you call me? I’ve been waiting to see if we’re getting together tonight.”

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"Vibrancy" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

If you have definite plans, call the person to verify the time. Or if you want to make plans, call, be cool, be positive.

But if you are simply hoping that a guy or girl likes you and will follow through with a promise, then keep wondering, and in the mean time, live your life. Don’t wait for the phone call. Don’t check your text messages too often. Keep your own life engaged. You’re only as interesting as the depths of your own interests. Pursue your passions, work, and keep meeting people. Enjoy your friends; enjoy your solitude. Vibrancy is more attractive than desperation.

And definitely don’t call to complain!

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Pursuit and Distancing; Intimacy vs. Needing Space.”

“I’m really upset about my child being made fun of at school.”

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"Crack of the Bat" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

This weekend I attended two shows by a fantastic comedian, Brad Williams, who happens to be a dwarf. When we went for a drink with him, I asked how he became so funny. He said that as a kid, his father, who is “tall” like the rest of his family, told him that he would be stared at and made fun of his whole life.

His dad said that he had two choices:

1) he could be hurt and feel sorry for himself, or

2) he could make jokes and put others at ease while also educating them about his condition.

To help Brad, his dad would practice teasing and offending him so that he could practice responding with his quickly developing wit. By having increasingly hard-ball comments thrown at him, Brad developed the ability to crack the ball right back with double the impact. Not only can he deflect potential insults, but people feel at ease with him due to his total acceptance of himself, making him a confident and enjoyable man to be around.

It’s natural for parents to want to protect their children. I would tell my child that when people tease or bully others, it comes from a place of fun, ignorance, or their own feelings of inadequacy. In any of these cases, it’s best for the child not to show vulnerability or take things personally. Helping a child to develop an attitude of resilience and humor may be the best way to disarm a potentially hostile world.

by Alison Poulsen

Watch “Self-Esteem in Children.”